tad!

God, I have lots of things to write. You know.

Its all about you, again and again, dang!

But you also know, I wont cry for you anymore. Yeah, so.

Im happily having my time thinking of you, it doesn’t really bother me anymore.

I don’t know, things change.

I NOW CAN DRIVE!

I drive to school every Saturday, I drive mama to do groceries, we both go to shopping malls, and I drive! But I cant really deal with the traffic. Because I use three pedals! Are you proud of me? Argh it always gets to my nerve, THE CLUTCH!! I drive the godamn 1998 honda civic, which were yours, and I was about 5 I guess when I first sit in that car. Now it has a name, Fandi named it. I suppose you were still here when it got a name. well, whatever happened the name is Broty by the way. Fandi said its according to its policy number.

Don’t you think its kinda funny? Or weird? Or amazing? The fact that I was so little that all I could do was just sitting in the back, or sometimes whining so that you’d let me sit on your lap while you were driving. And now?  Time goes by im 17 and I drive the car by myself!

But hmm actually, PARKING is still becoming my biggest issue. Sometimes I don’t feel like driving when im thinking about how to park if the area was full.

There’s a plenty of questions in my mind, that I really want to ask you.

When you were here, I often asked everything that I wondered. And you could always answer that. Its funny. How could you do that? Dang, you were an engineer! Maybe when brothers are older, or finish their studies, they’ll be able to answer all of my questions just like you did.

Now I really wonder…

How the hell am I suppose to deal with that clutch?! I mean, when it comes to a traffic in a godamn ASCENDING ROAD (now you know I really curse that one), and when I want to start again, the car goes crazy and I was like “mama mia!! Mama!! Mama miaa!!” yep, for sure. Its so dilemmatic! I really want to let the clutch pedal go so that the car will move forward, but at the other side I cant really keep my gas pedal up to the balance, AND THE CAR IS FRICKING SHAKING AND THAT’S WHAT REALLY HORRIFIED ME; THE CAR WOULD SHUT OFF.

I remember the lesson from Adit about that situation, he told me to use the handbrake. Well… it didn’t really work for me, because im not that kind of reflect-moved gal. you know me. The handbrake thing just makes me even more confused. Lol.

Gosh, I wish you were here!!

We should spend all of the afternoon driving. Just leave mama behind in the house. Come home in the nearly evening. Right?

Enough about the car.

Hmm…

The necklace.

So I found the necklace from you. I don’t really like to wear necklace. So I just abandoned it in my room.

Now that I found it, I shouldn’t think that theres something special with that necklace, should i?

Its just an imitation jade stone that you bought for me from china.

But, damn you father. I asked mama for my golden necklace and then I move that IMITATION jade to the golden one, and now its officially hanging at my neck. I don’t even have any reason, or some kind of motives. Whatever.

You know, I accidently heard Kenny g songs, remember? Of course you do.

‘summer breeze’. I kept listening to its first 20 seconds. Then I forward it, then came the ‘paradise’. And I automatically stopped the running music player. 

Those are such beautiful songs.

But you know what?

Everytime I hear that songs, the pictures of you driving a car, in a collar black t-shirt, with your sunglasses, and your firm yellow arms on the steering illuminated by the golden light of sun, and us traveling  through that dry road from west to east, is hunting me. Its fricking hunting me.

It brings me quickly to a flashback. It unfolds all the pictures I placed in my box of memories.

And Im really afraid,

If I listen to that songs just A LITTLE too often, it would erase the pictures I have before with you. And replaced by this future. You know? I don’t know how to make this clear for you. But sometimes, I hate future. Sometimes I just wanna be trapped in the past.